Category Archives: wtf

The REAL Blair Witch House.

The directions were wrong. When you first assemble the house, the box stated to “Hold in place for 10 minutes.” Obviously they meant an HOUR, because that’s how long it took after it caved in twice and chunks of the roof fell off and I had to prop it up with books. The pictures resemble nothing of what sits on my dining room table. It’s like a creepy, abandoned farmhouse with half the roof gone, with gumdrops. Its the Blair Witch Gingerbread House.

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Filed under Christmas, Crafts, Dustin, Family, Holidays, Lillienne, Photographs, The Second Year, wtf

A Horrible Mother.

I attempted to french braid Lily’s hair one night and I ended up doing something completely opposite which doesn’t have a name. But now I deem it  The Sister-Wives Updo For Toddlers.

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Filed under awesome!, Lillienne, Photographs, Probably Poor Parenting, The Second Year, wtf

Brody, If You Can Hear Me….Mmmm.

Alright, so I missed The Hills last night on MTV but I caught it this morning on MTV.ca. First of all, Spencer needs to be heavily medicated and put in a large soft room, fed chocolate milk and oreos and then get the $@&% beat out of him.  It’s quite clear those crystals arent doing anything besides possibly keeping the veins in his next from exploding.

What a whackjob! And Heidi. That poor girl She is now 98% Tupperware, 1% android and 1% Joan Rivers.
I enjoy watching The Hills because it distracts me for 30 minutes from diapers, crackers, barbies and Goodnight Moon. Also, because those skinny bitches have the best shoes and I like to imagine myself teetering around in stilletto’s on Rodeo Drive with the biggest problem that I have being if I get to sleep with Brody Jenner or not that night…
Back to real life. I’ll get you next time, Jenner….next time.

Probably Poor Parenting:
Encouraging your child to dance to “My Humps”
Also, please note her fab outfit!

lillienne is 15 months old today!

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Filed under Lillienne, Probably Poor Parenting, The Second Year, Videos, wtf

WTF

Dear The People Upstairs;

Hello, how are you? I don’t believe we have every formally met, besides the one time I FINALLY stuck my head out the balcony door and screamed in an upwards direction “What the FACK Are You Doing?”, after you had decided to bang your broom on the balcony for the 70th time that day, after seven days of doing this in a row. Seriously. WTF. “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t think banging this broom on a metal bar 70 times a day would bother anyone who still possessed the ability to HEAR anything.”
Your broom banging has stopped, thank goodness. You no longer feel the compulsion the sweep your balcony every time it snows and repeatedly bang your broom on the metal railing of the balcony. I thank you, and all the tenants 21 floors below us thank you.
HOWEVER! What is this new habit of yours of dropping metal balls sporadically around your house? WTF is that noise and what are you dropping and wtf is with your butter fingers?
You have also decided that you need to JUMP AROUND ON TWO FEET whenever you are mobile in your apartment. You now make my pictures on the walls shake, and I am I correct in assuming you rent children on the weekends to feed coffee beans and watch them bounce around on your floors and walls? WTF??? Because this is exactly what it sounds like.
You have also decided to cook intoxicating food every night that comes down through my kitchen vent, thus forcing me to try to match the deliciousness of the smells that is overpowering my tomato soup and bagel dinner; like I’m the ginger ale to your champagne. For this, I dislike you even more.
Please be more considerate.
I am listening to you herd elephants in your livingroom as I type. wtf are you always doing up there?

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Filed under Rant, Seriously?, wtf

WTF

WTF is with Little Chocolatiers – Seriously? Yes they are Little People (or LP’s, or Lizzle Pizzles) and they have jobs. Gasp. This show sounds like a direct Oompa Loompa hit.
WTF, that cookie batter I got from my mom is a potential cankle. 140 calories per cookie. WTF, she might as well gave me a framed photo of the back of my thighs. Thanks, Ma. Although they were yummy.
WTF is with that she-he dude thing woman/man on Deadwood? It gives me bad dreams. And seriously, Westerns aren’t cool.*****


*****Unless it’s that one Back to the Future movie where Michael J. Fox is super cute in his tassled shirt. Remember?

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Filed under Rant, Seriously?, wtf

WTF

I wish there was a cell phone that combined the incredible powers of a cellular service, a video camera, a camera, the internet, a butt scratcher and a diaper changer. iBum Clean. That would be all I needed, folks. Seriously though, I think it’s time I upgrade my cell phone. It’s slowly driving me crazy, and I think If I took it in to my service provider they would just throw me a new phone because wtf am I still using this old junky thing for?
Sometimes I wil get texts the next day that were sent the previous night. And they’re usually “LET”S GO PARTY!” and I totally miss the party because of my stupid phone. Actually I usually miss texts like “Two blondes walk into a bar and..” Stupid phone and it’s delayed important messaging skills.
Another thing that irritates me is it’s texting capabilities (or lack thereof), or word memory or whatever it’s called. I’ll be asking a friend to come for coffee and my thumb will slip, and I’ll look up at the screen and it will say “Sure I would beans tomorrow home.” And then I get confused and start thinking about beans for tomorrow, and do we have any at home? And then I forget about coffee.
Also, no matter how many times I write out the word “Of”, my phone cant remember it. So whenever I want to use the word “Of”, I have to Alpha it instead of t-9 it (common Terminator jargon as well as texting references), and it takes me seven weeks to do this, so I constantly replace the word “Of” with “O”.
“How are you?”
Kind o shitty.”
This non-functioning of my phone would be hilarious if all I ever wanted to say was “Top o the Morning to you”, but sadly it is not. And WTF maybe I’ll start using it more.
I’m thinking about a blackberry. I don’t know much about super phones although I most likely will never have time to listen to/put music on it or watch tv, and I’d like to do some quick uploading and the ability to check my email without it taking twenty five minutes.
The only thing that is stopping me is the $100.00 of games I have invested and downloaded in the past 3 years to my current junker, and the hundreds of photos and videos of Lillienne. How do I part with thee?

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WTF

WTF was with the fire alarms going off at six thirty am for half an hour? There was no fire, just EAR SHATTERING SIRENS for thiry minutes.
WTF was with Lillienne’s poop today? It was the color and texture of creamed corn.
WTF, why is my kitchen sink clogged to the nuts? And why is there black stuff coming out of it?
And WTF, my patio doors are FROZEN SOLID SHUT and now I’m supposed to not go out of my balcony until spring 2010???
WTF, why did I go out into the hallway wondering if there was a fire at 6:30am in my booty shorts and have a conversation with some english man?
“Fire?” “I don’t smell smoke.” “Hmmm.”

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