Category Archives: Lillienne

Babies And Junk….A Serious Post. Seriously.

I am pretty sure I have started to write this post about ten different times since I had Lillienne. I did post her birth story on this blog, but I’ll be honest and admit I tried to add some a lot of humor to the post, maybe to tell myself it really wasn’t so bad, and to tell others it wasn’t so bad. But, it was nothing like I imagined, and I feel the what ifs coming on again stronger than ever, and the NEED to read as much as I can get my sticky hands on about birth, VBACS and c sections as the fiance and I hit a point in our lives where a second pregnancy is something we talk about frequently.

I wasnt even aware that the subject of cesarean sections were written about so extensively. Or rather, women’s c-section stories. Obviously I did a bit of reading up on the subject (ie: Google) while I was pregnant, in case it were to come up. Guess what? It came up. But I didnt research it so much as I could or should have, and I didn’t take anything with me but the knowledge of  “If something happens, there is an alternative way they can get my baby out.”  As I do more reading and research, it’s discouraging to think that perhaps I didnt do as much as I could have to avoid a CS and to have an easier, less traumatic labour and birth experience.

We’re planning on getting pregnant soon. After the wedding. And I’m terrified of getting pregnant and having another c section and/or a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-Section).  Or attempting a VBAC only to have another c-section, going through all the work of labour only to be cut open.

I don’t think the seriousness really sunk in until several months after birth, but I had an awful labour and delivery. None if it was magical, a lot of it is a blur, I felt drugged up and weak and useless the whole time, and of course the whopper; a failure at the end when I couldnt do what women are supposed to do: grunt and moan and WORK to get their babies out. I tried, but it wouldnt happen.

And then I started thinking about it. A lot. All these feelings started popping up. Feelings like failure. The feeling that I missed that special moment of the Dr plopping a wet baby on my chest and me going “HOLY SHIT!” in my head. Instead, I was numb from my boobs down on a surgical table, shaking like a LUNATIC because I was already in transition and had gone through labour only to be cut open, and when they first took her out I just remember lying there, wanting to throw up, scream and jump up at the same time and SEE HER. I couldn’t even hold her until I was in recovery, and even then I was so messed up on drugs that the moment as I remember it is absolutely NOTHING like it should have been. I felt like the odds had been stacked against me, and maybe it wasn’t my bodies fault. Maybe it could have been prevented.

What if I hadn’t been induced? What if I had waited a few more days, refusing induction 10 days after my due date? Why couldn’t have I been more patient, assertive, and knowledgeable about what my options were? What if I had said no to all the medical interventions, like induction and having my water broken? What if I had hired a midwife or a doula to support and assist me with birthing techniques? Could I have avoided a c-section?  Would I have given birth au natural and had that immediate bonding that I missed out on?

I do feel robbed of the experience of giving birth. I don’t feel like I gave birth to her, I feel like she was cut out of me. I was depressed for a few months after birth, and I couldn’t chalk it up to anything. I had a beautiful, healthy daughter, a wonderful boyfriend, and great family, fabulous friends, etc. And I realize that PPD can just HAPPEN, you don’t need to chalk it up to anything, it can just creep in like water in your basement after a beautiful summer rainstorm. But I realize now what that feeling was, that feeling like failure. That oh I couldn’t do the thing I was designed for feeling. I never acknowledged the fact out loud or to anyone or to MYSELF that that’s why I was sad, because she was in distress and my body wasnt working right and that’s why I had a c section, so I wasnt allowed to be sad about it. Medical intervention had saved her life! But what about the what ifs I mentioned earlier? And more what ifs. What if I hadn’t been induced and just hung on for a few more days? What if I had laboured at home?

But I missed out on my daughters birth. I was there, but I was not there.

I remember my OBGYN telling me shortly after labour, probably at my first postnatal checkup, that I could have another c section if I wanted to with my next pregnancy, or we could try a VBAC. I’m terrified of another c-section. I dont want to be sitting down recovering for 6 weeks again with a baby and a toddler. I dont want to be in pain for weeks again. I dont want to have to take T3’s and not be able to breastfeed again. I dont want to have major surgery. I dont want to have the same experience (minus the labour part, I am assuming) that I had with Lily- missing the immediate skin to skin contact after birth, that feeling of accomplishment.

Ok, so have a VBAC and shut up, right?

So. I’ve been reading up on VBAC’s and hospitals and Drs and I’ve ordered a few books and been googling away again. There’s a 1% chance of uterine rupture during a VBAC., which isnt huge, but it happens, and it can be fatal for Mom, Baby, or both. And tons of other things that could happen during pregnancy and labour for women who have had c sections. I’ve also read that some OBGYNS wont even allow VBACS. “Lets just cut you open, it’ll take 20 minutes, I can fit you in after my tuna sandwich this afternoon.” I’ve been reading some disturbing things about birth, and c sections, and multiple c sections and VBACS. Ive been reading some statistics and watching some documentaries and forming new thoughts and opinions I didnt even know would arise,  or that I didnt think would be an issue.  I’ve been thinking about giving birth again and this time I’m not going in with rose colored glasses and putting all of my eggs in one basket. Comments are appreciated.

 

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Filed under Birth Story, Lillienne, Sarah

iWin with the iPhone.

So, Dustin got an iPhone a few weeks ago. The one person in the world wide world who doesn’t even have his own email address or twitter, and refuses to join Facebook.

Which is probably a good thing, lest he see all the 19 year old guy “friends” I have on there.

Anyway, holy shit. A cool piece of technology the iPhone is. You can like, download games and stuff. (WOW!)

He is constantly poking fun at my blackberry. Which isn’t cool since he couldn’t even figure out how to turn my phone on if he tried. Also, news flash, Dustin. Cell phones have had games since like for.e.ver. I’m still the Bejeweled Champion of Western Canada. Eat it.

Anyway. Lillienne is a VERY narcissistic little gnome. I mean, really, Lily. Come on.

We MUST take 13698 videos of her a day. Mostly of her waving at the camera. And then we MUST watch them all. 42862 times. Its a wonderful parenting tool, but I worry.

I hope she isn’t going to be one of those girls who needs to look in every single mirror she walks by, or takes out her compact when her BFF is crying a river so she can inspect her eyeliner.

I beat the shit out of those girls in high school.

Ok, I was one of those girls.

Regardless, its pretty handy to have an iPhone.

Need to take a poo uninterrupted? Let her watch herself on the iPhone. Trying to eat a civilized meal in a restaurant but your kid is throwing forks at the waitress like a professional dart player? Let her watch herself on the iPhone. Need to dry shave your armpits because people are coming over and you just caught a glance in the reflection in the front entrance door and thought there was a small african family hiding out in your armpits and you don’t have time to shower again but your kid is pulling your pants down asking for something indecipherable and you just realized youre standing in front of your windows with said pants now around your ankles and oh fuck here comes the mailman? Let your kid watch herself on the iPhone.

Thank you, iPhone, for all of your co parenting help. High fives all around.

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Filed under Dustin, Lillienne, Probably Poor Parenting, Sarah, Seriously?

Did I mention she chews air while she sleeps?

So, Lily is passed out beside me as I type this. In our bed. Hogging my body pillow that I can’t sleep without, that I sleep with every night since I became pregnant with Lily. I kinda want to pull it out from under her head. I totally would if it was Dustin hogging it. That’s how I roll.

The “sleep, and stay asleep in your own bed” thing isn’t really working out for us.
The thing is, I love sleep. And I can’t sleep when she’s screaming MOMMYS BED at two am. Which results in either Dustin or I lifting her up and putting her inbetween us when she comes half sleep walking into our room.
It doesn’t help that she is warm and cuddly, and that her hair smells so good. I sniff her a lot.

She will nap in her own bed.
But like clock work, everynight around midnight, she’s up and wants to be in our bed.

I fear she will be sleeping inbetween us at age nineteen, and ill still be smushed up against the wall with a foot in my back. By then ill probably have a permanent foot indent mark.

“Oh that? That’s just my disfigured back because I’m a shit parent who can’t figure out why my kid won’t stay in her own bed.”

Ill probably get a humpback and be forced to live in a tower.

Hopefully Lily will still want to cuddle me then….

Following photo taken after she rolled over and before I snatched my rightful body pillow away from her.

That shit is mine.

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Filed under Family, Lillienne, My Little Big Baby, Photographs, Seriously?, The Second Year

The REAL Blair Witch House.

The directions were wrong. When you first assemble the house, the box stated to “Hold in place for 10 minutes.” Obviously they meant an HOUR, because that’s how long it took after it caved in twice and chunks of the roof fell off and I had to prop it up with books. The pictures resemble nothing of what sits on my dining room table. It’s like a creepy, abandoned farmhouse with half the roof gone, with gumdrops. Its the Blair Witch Gingerbread House.

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Filed under Christmas, Crafts, Dustin, Family, Holidays, Lillienne, Photographs, The Second Year, wtf

A Horrible Mother.

I attempted to french braid Lily’s hair one night and I ended up doing something completely opposite which doesn’t have a name. But now I deem it  The Sister-Wives Updo For Toddlers.

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Filed under awesome!, Lillienne, Photographs, Probably Poor Parenting, The Second Year, wtf

Book Review & Giveaway – Mother Goose Remembers by Clare Beaton

Mother Goose Remembers by Clare Beaton (With Sing-A-Long CD)
Published by Barefoot Books

I’m absolutely positive some little dude or gal out there is going to LOVE this book. Another book published by Barefoot Books, Mother Goose Remembers by Clare Beaton is absolutely gorgeous. It’s full of nursery rhymes (which are tons of fun!) but then the illustrations are pictures of felt shapes sewn together to create amazing scenes and images with thick, lovely stitches – I love this kind of art, there’s something very nostalgic and cozy about this book!

Lily of course will look at a manual for a blender for an hour, so she really liked this book. She loved pointing out the animals she recognized on the pages, and asked “WHAT DAT!” of the animals she didn’t. She listened politely while I belted out the nursery rhymes but I don’t think she can yet appreciate the  notes I can hit.

WIN THIS BOOK. It’s free. It’s awesome. It’s Mother Goose Remembers by Clare Beaton. To enter, just leave a comment here and tell me what your favourite nursery rhyme was as a kid. Or, if you can’t remember, tell me how to potty train my child.
Winner to be chosen by Random.Org on December 8 2010. 1 Entry per day!

***We didn’t take the sing-a-long CD out of the wrapper, so that when the winner receives it there is no damage from shipping. Please note WE (I) DID SING ALONG, just very poorly and off key.

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Filed under Barefoot Books, free stuff, Giveaways, Lillienne, Reading With Kids, Reviews

Trimming The Tree.

This was Lillienne’s first year “decorating” the tree – AKA putting all the ornaments in one pile at the bottom of the tree.

She likes to go up close to the shiny balls and check out her distorted face.

And point to all the “NO-MAN!” decorations on the tree. (She obviously means snowman. S’s are Silly!)

Same goes for the “NO-FLAKES!” decorations.

Each morning she demands “Christmas tree, on!”, which of course means turn on the Christmas tree lights.

She hasn’t yet figured out she can eat the candy canes – more for me.

Yes, I know it’s still pretty early to decorate a Christmas tree. But Lillienne was super cranky one night last week, and we needed a very big, dramatic, entertaining and a Never Been Done Adventure! so we could all keep our sanity and make it to bedtime. IT WAS MAGICAL, PEOPLE.

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Filed under Christmas, Lillienne, The Second Year