Monthly Archives: October 2009


I had a dream about you last night. We were in a field, you were wearing my blue flosport zip up, the one you always borrowed. You saw me and ran over, and we threw our arms around each other. You started crying. You started bawling, tears were everywhere, and I could feel your sadness. We didnt speak, we didnt say a word, we just hugged. You were so sad, so sad because of how sad WE were, you were sad that all everyone did was cry all the time, you were sad that you werent with us, that you were taken away, you were sad that your life ended after only 27 years. We hugged and hugged and hugged. And cried. We just held each other and cried. I miss you so much.

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Random view from the balcony

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Free Candy Day

For Halloween one year, I want to say I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I borrowed some pom poms (From you, C! ) and my mom told me she would sew the rest of the costume. I don’t remember if I picked the colors (lime green and yellow) or if the material was just lying around the house, but she did it. She made me a little white shirt with yellow and green letters on it, (of course this had to fit over two sweaters and then a white turtleneck sweater to match), and a full on green and yellow pleated skirt. It was pretty sweet. Whatever happened to that skirt, I do not know. But the day of Halloween that year, I got a fever. I was so hot and dizzy. But I put on my costume, got my tights on and grabbed my pom poms. Somewhere there is a picture of me in the costume, and my expression clearly reads “Please for the love of GOD shoot me.”
I went trick or treating anyway, and I had fun. And I wore my cheerleader costume that my mom made me. And I thought I looked good.
I’ve always loved sewing, but I don’t have much patience. Or tolerance when I fuck up and rip the material away from the machine and then break my needle and the sewing machine blows up. But I can sew. I’ve made baby slings and bunnyhugs and burp cloths, and in high school I used to make funky handbags in Home Ec. Nothing too difficult. However, I want to be able to make Lillienne costumes for Halloween, so she can dress up as whatever or whoever she wants to be.
Next year, I am going to sew Lillienne a costume for Halloween, too. And I want to start making her own clothes, like summer dresses and drawstring pants and easy-peasy things to sew.
This year, her snowsuit doubles as her Halloween costume. If it has ears and a tail, it MORE than covers the bases.

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My %@)(ing Glory

I think it’s time. I’m really tired of this. You’re just getting in the way. All The Time. Always up in my face. You never stay where you’re supposed to, and I dont have time for you anymore. You’re so high maintenance, you think you deserve my time? That I should get you all glossy and pimped and then you just let me down anyway.
I dont care anymore. I want you gone. Toned down, anyway. I can’t take it, really I cant. And Lillienne isnt helping the fact. She loves you. A lot. She always has, and she always will. But it’s not about Lillienne this time.
This is about ME….
And my locks, yo.
Seriously, I’m thinking of a mom hair cut. You know, like Kate Gosselin but not so angry lesbian-ish. Or maybe a cute shaggy bob, like Suri Cruise. Although she creeps me out.

My hair is long. Like more than halfway down my back long. And I’ve always had it long, or atleast long-ish. BUT I CANT DO IT! It’s so fucking annoying with a baby! I feel like my hair is a neon pink flashing sign and it’s saying “PULL ME PULL ME PULL ME” and for good measure, pull my earrings too. I know this is natural and all kids do it, and I do not punish Lillienne when she does this. I just start crying because chunks of my hair are wrapped around her fingers and a few are 3/4 of a way down her throat, and you know what? I think it’s Mommy Hair Time.
Suggestions? Or should I just suck it up, live with the fact that my daughter will slowly make me bald, and buy more hair elastics? Even Michelle Duggar rocks her long hair like nobody’s business and she’s got 48 kids (and counting!)! I know!

This woman will re-populate Earth should anything happen.

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365 photo project: week 11

….i think this means she will be walking soon! (aka destroying the house)

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I’ve got pepper spray, winter!

I am so not ready for winter, I hope it stays the F away for a long time. I’m not ready for thick winter coats and mittens and having your eyelashes freeze shut and having frozen ice/snot hanging from your nose.
Although Lillienne’s snowsuit is sofuckingcuteohmygod.
You would think after living here all my life, I would get used to this. That I would embrace winter with a mug of hot chocolate with those colored marshmallows in them, because even though they are nasty, they are cute and colorful. You’d think I would take on winter in a fist fight, or at the very least, buy some proper winter boots for once.
It has already snowed here a few times, nothing that really stuck around but it was enough to jolt me out of my autumn haze. The leaves were JUST starting to fall and the colors were perfect. And then it snowed. And fall was over. Winter was weeeeeeks early. Bastard.
I hate the cold. I hate the cold when it’s windy even more. I hate -45 with the windchill and no sun before 9am or after 5 pm. The worst is getting out of your bed with three quilts keeping you warm, waking up to DARKNESS and it feels like 4am.
I’m not ready for winter to come at all this year.
I do like winter activities like skating and tobogganing and shopping at Christmastime. I like sleigh rides and looking at Christmas lights and throwing a snowball at someone hoping a little bit goes down the back of their sweater because hahah that’s soooo cold.
This winter, I am hoping the long, cold months will be a bit more tolerable with Lillienne. I want her to have fun, it will be her first Christmas, and I want to take her tobogganing and to look at Christmas lights and all those other good winter-y things. I want her to see snowflakes and go on a sleigh ride and go see Santa at the mall and have cocoa. Because I have a child now. And now I get to be a child again!

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more huit

October has been a ridiculous month for me. I’ve been busy with photo shoots, editing, compiling this, creating that, buying this and installing that, all the while still being a fabulous, young, hip mom, cooking supper when I remember too, as well as cleaning the house and all that other stuff. Before I opted to do this business thing I was very used to and comfortable with the fact that my days involved baby, cuddles, food, walks and playing. Now it’s the same, but I have to toss in a few work hours here and there, which I am really not used to, but Dustin has been pitching in a bit more, playing and hanging out with Lillienne more in the evenings so I can work.

Somewhere in October (two days ago, actually) my tiny green bean turned 8 months old. This means she can devour 4L of yogurt a week. She is pulling herself up to a standing position on the couch, and then gets frustrated because she knows if she lets go, its not going to be pretty. 8 months means she is still motoring across the room in her army crawl mode, still wearing out the feet in her sleepers. 8 months means 4 teeth and more ready to bust out any minute. 8 months means giggles and laughs and huge grins. 8 months means grabbing things out of your hands and wanting a bite of your bagel NOW.
I fall more in love with her everyday. Research shows she gets cuter every time she wakes up from a nap.

Yesterday’s eight month video is lame in the fact that the music I chose had nothing to do with Lillienne or anything else. I just found it as sample music on my desktop because I am not downloading anything unnecessary on my new PC! No music, no broken files, nothing. If you dont like it, please suck monkey balls.

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Filed under Lillienne, month 8