I had a dream about you last night. We were in a field, you were wearing my blue flosport zip up, the one you always borrowed. You saw me and ran over, and we threw our arms around each other. You started crying. You started bawling, tears were everywhere, and I could feel your sadness. We didnt speak, we didnt say a word, we just hugged. You were so sad, so sad because of how sad WE were, you were sad that all everyone did was cry all the time, you were sad that you werent with us, that you were taken away, you were sad that your life ended after only 27 years. We hugged and hugged and hugged. And cried. We just held each other and cried. I miss you so much.
For Halloween one year, I want to say I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I borrowed some pom poms (From you, C! )
and my mom told me she would sew the rest of the costume. I don’t remember if I picked the colors (lime green and yellow) or if the material was just lying around the house, but she did it. She made me a little white shirt with yellow and green letters on it, (of course
this had to fit over two sweaters and then a white turtleneck sweater to match), and a full on green and yellow pleated skirt. It was pretty sweet. Whatever happened to that skirt, I do not know. But the day of Halloween that year, I got a fever. I was so hot and dizzy. But I put on my costume, got my tights on and grabbed my pom poms. Somewhere there is a picture of me in the costume, and my expression clearly reads “Please for the love of GOD shoot me.”
I went trick or treating anyway, and I had fun. And I wore my cheerleader costume that my mom made me. And I thought I looked good.
I’ve always loved sewing, but I don’t have much patience. Or tolerance when I fuck up and rip the material away from the machine and then break my needle and the sewing machine blows up. But I can sew. I’ve made baby slings and bunnyhugs and burp cloths, and in high school I used to make funky handbags in Home Ec. Nothing too difficult. However, I want to be able to make Lillienne costumes for Halloween, so she can dress up as whatever or whoever she wants to be.
Next year, I am going to sew Lillienne a costume for Halloween, too. And I want to start making her own clothes, like summer dresses and drawstring pants and easy-peasy things to sew.
This year, her snowsuit doubles as her Halloween costume. If it has ears and a tail, it MORE than covers the bases.
I think it’s time. I’m really tired of this. You’re just getting in the way. All The Time. Always up in my face. You never stay where you’re supposed to, and I dont have time for you anymore. You’re so high maintenance, you think you deserve my time? That I should get you all glossy and pimped and then you just let me down anyway.
I dont care anymore. I want you gone. Toned down, anyway. I can’t take it, really I cant. And Lillienne isnt helping the fact. She loves you. A lot. She always has, and she always will. But it’s not about Lillienne this time.
This is about ME….
And my locks, yo.
Seriously, I’m thinking of a mom hair cut. You know, like Kate Gosselin but not so angry lesbian-ish. Or maybe a cute shaggy bob, like Suri Cruise. Although she creeps me out.
My hair is long. Like more than halfway down my back long. And I’ve always had it long, or atleast long-ish. BUT I CANT DO IT! It’s so fucking annoying with a baby! I feel like my hair is a neon pink flashing sign and it’s saying “PULL ME PULL ME PULL ME” and for good measure, pull my earrings too. I know this is natural and all kids do it, and I do not punish Lillienne when she does this. I just start crying because chunks of my hair are wrapped around her fingers and a few are 3/4 of a way down her throat, and you know what? I think it’s Mommy Hair Time.
Suggestions? Or should I just suck it up, live with the fact that my daughter will slowly make me bald, and buy more hair elastics? Even Michelle Duggar
rocks her long hair like nobody’s
business and she’s got 48 kids (and counting!)! I know!
This woman will re-populate Earth should anything happen.
….i think this means she will be walking soon! (aka destroying the house)