Today is one of those days where you wake up sad. And then you look outside, and God ordered a little gloomy weather for you, because it’s hard to be sad when it’s sunny. Today is one of those days where I just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry. Today is one of those days I spent on facebook, looking at 429854984 pictures of my friend who passed away. Tomorrow it will be a month. Today is one of those days where the pictures you have of her up around your house glow and you cant direct your eyes away from them, so you just cry. Today is one of those days where I need to hug something tight – a pillow, myself, her, but nothing helps. Today is one of those days where no food tastes good, the wind settles inside your bones and you just want to be by yourself. Today is one of those days where you sit on the floor infront of The Electric Company on TV because you need something to half ass entertain your child, so she doesnt stare at you and wonder what the fuck is going on. Today is one of those days where even though you need to be by yourself, you need your friends because they are going through the same thing. Today is one of those days where your heart lives in your throat and nothing helps. Nothing. Today is one of those days. I really miss you, Karen, and I Love You.
Okay. So I always knew that Photoshop was a very complex program with fifty gozillion functions. But what I didnt know was how much I would love it! I think I spent a few hours working with it yesterday, just playing with some of Photoshop’s settings and things.
This coming up week I have a few shoots scheduled and I am very excited about this as it means I get to get out of the house for a few hours doing something that I love to do. The last few weeks have been busy and mostly spent indoors, but I finally have everything in order. My photography business website is up, although there isnt much on there yet. I am still working on alot of the photos and deciding which ones to put up.
As seems to be the norm, I am a few days late with this weeks photo update. I’ve been really busy watching Thomas the Fucking Train and dealing with a scrappy seven month old who is teething again. Lillienne is working on her top left front tooth, and she has been a bit miserable in the process. She has decided not to drink more than a few ounces from her bottle, so now I feed her rice cereal soup, which is the texture and color of diarrhea. Nasty? Yes.
I’m still amazed that she didnt catch the nasty cold that Dustin had and then shared with me. I’m still working on a stubborn cough but I feel alot better than last week. I guess Lillienne must have a great immune system, or she has been secretly popping Advil cold and sinus pills without us knowing about it.
Life is short. Seriously short. And in the past few weeks, I have had a few moments of “wake up and smell the bacon”. The past few weeks, a few life changing moments have happened and I have decided I am not going to sit around saying “I wish”, or “I should”. I’m just going to DO.
So, I have taken the bull by the horns and decided to start my own business, something I have been thinking about for a couple years but never really got serious about it. And, I’m doing it mostly by myself. My wonderful mother is helping me out with a few things but basically this is my new adventure and I’m hoping it will be a success.
It’s registered, licensed, legit, and I’m proud. It’s a lot of work and I’ve only JUST begun, but it’s mine, I created it, and it’s up to me whether its a success or I destroy it.
Everyone in our house has been sick the past few days/week and Lillienne is the only one to mock us as we sniffle and cough and sit on the toilet. Somehow she missed the feel-like-shit-train and I am SO GLAD because I dont even know what you DO with a sick baby. Quarantine? Put a hockey helmet on them? Give them sugar cubes and hope that makes them happy? Who knows.
So last night was the first complete night I have spent away from Lillienne. Once, I attempted to go out with the girls and stay the night at one of their houses, but I ended up having heart palpitations and breathing problems and had to come home to my child. But this time, I did it. I spent the night away from her. We spent the night at a friends cabin while Granny slept at our house and babysat. So really, I was an hour away from my baby, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the feeling that If (IF) something were to happen, we were an hour away from the city, and basically useless. Also, we were in a sort of valley, so there was zero cell phone reception, and I almost had a heart attack. Eventually I relaxed and downed a few beer and was able to enjoy myself. Until the migraine from the underworld showed up and put me in bed by 1am. And then I dreamed about bad things, accidents happening, AND MY CELL WAS OFF, and people were trying to get ahold of me, and I slept so fitfully because I kept wondering which hospital emergency room Lillienne was at, and did she finally manage to chew through the laptop cord, and was she screaming for me, unable to eat or breathe without her mama. Ahem. Ego check.
She was fine. She slept through the night, she wasn’t hurt and she was with her Granny.
So, this weekend, I have realized how attached I am to my small child, how anal I am, and that I checked my cell phone so I could just look at Lillienne’s picture every 16 seconds while I was away from her.
I have also realized I do not care to be separated from my small child for longer than a few hours, ever again. Even if she does shit pears out her ass all the way up her back and chews my laptop cord and eats all of my yogurt.
On the OTHER hand, I did have a great time with good friends, yummy food, a warm bed and lots of chatter. And cold, cold beer.